Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
