I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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