Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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