you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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