Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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