Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
