Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
