watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
