i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
