We won't sleep together?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
