I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
