Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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