be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
