I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
