Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
