I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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