The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
