the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
