If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
