I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
