My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
