I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
