I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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