Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
