if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
do herpes really smell.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
