we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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