are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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