I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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