Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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