she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
