My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
