it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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