he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
