when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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