john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
