My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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