I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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