We got so high we made milksteak
Did you just see the Batmobile???
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
