I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
