You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
