i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We are two peas in an std pod
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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