Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
