I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
