omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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