i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
