wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
