Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
