How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize