Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
