Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
