So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
