I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
