She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
