I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
