YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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