i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
