so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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