If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
