How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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