the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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