drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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