I hate all girls vehemently.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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