Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
