dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
